A Lifetime of Song
by Rachel Noelle
Summary: A series of Matsumoto-centric oneshots based on songs. Will she ever realize just how much her dear captain really means to her, and she to him?
1. Love the Way You Lie

_**A/N: **__These will be a series of related one-shots focusing on Matsumoto. They will be from differing POV's (First, second, third), but all either told from Matsumoto or Hitsugaya's voice. The next few chapters are planned and written, but suggestions for future songs (I don't really dig the rap scene much, but, I will make an exception for a really good song, like this one). Anything that I can relate to Shiro and Ran, no matter if it's angsty or dramatic or romantic. _

_This is rated primarily for language and violence. Possibly some mild sex scenes later, depending on how this unfolds. _

_As always, enjoy!  
-Rachel Noelle_

**Love the Way You Lie**

_Just gonna stand there  
__And watch me burn  
__But that's alright  
__Because I like  
__The way it hurts  
__Just gonna stand there  
__And hear me cry  
__But that's alright  
__Because I love  
__The way you lie  
__I love the way you lie  
_…  
_Where you going  
__I'm leaving you  
__No you ain't  
__Come back  
__We're running right back  
__Here we go again  
_…  
_I feel so ashamed  
__I snap  
__Who's that dude  
__I don't even know his name  
__I laid hands on her  
__I'll never stoop so low again  
__I guess I don't know my own strength  
_…  
_You swore you'd never hit 'em  
__Never do nothin' to hurt 'em  
__Now you're in each other's face  
__Spewing venom  
__And these words  
__When you spit 'em  
__You push  
__Pull each other's hair  
__Scratch, claw, bit 'em  
__Throw 'em down  
__Pin 'em  
__So lost in the moments  
__When you're in 'em  
__It's the rage that took over  
_…  
_All I know is  
__I love you too much  
__To walk away though  
_…  
_Told you this is my fault  
__Look me in the eyeball  
__Next time I'm pissed  
__I'll aim my fist  
__At the dry wall  
__Next time  
__There will be no next time  
__I apologize  
__Even though I know it's lies  
_…  
_Just gonna stand there  
__And watch me burn  
__But that's alright  
__Because I like  
__The way it hurts  
__Just gonna stand there  
__And hear me cry  
__But that's alright  
__Because I love  
__The way you lie  
__I love the way you lie  
__I love the way you lie_

Lyrics taken from the song "Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem, featuring Rihanna.

**oOoOo—RN—oOoOo**

It's like an out-of-body experience as you see his hand strike you across your face. It lands hard, busting your lip and bloodying your nose. But you just stand there, resolute. You promise yourself you won't cry. And you don't. He doesn't deserve the satisfaction of your tears. That's all he's after, anyway. He doesn't even want the sex anymore.

The mad, frustrated fucking lost it's glamour after the first dozen times he raised his hand to you. The last time he left you alone almost the second he was done fucking you, and you cried yourself to sleep, for who knows how many times it made.

This fight, though, is different. Still seeing yourself as though from a movie camera, you hit him back. He looks shocked for a split second before his face returns to his usual, cocky smirk. "Gonna hit meh this time, eh, Ran-chan?" he goads. And you're so pissed you can't speak. Like fuck you're going to hit him. And hard. And you do. You give him a black eye. Not that anything but the colour will be noticeable. He never has his damned eyes fully open anyway.

Finally you manage to string together a few words. "Why don't you go back to being Aizen's little bitch? I liked it better that way. My hand's much more satisfying." All you manage to do is piss him off a little more. And at this rate, you'll be dead by the night's end.

If he didn't want you talking to Shunsui, he shouldn't have taken you out with the elder captain. Now he's decided that you simply don't pay enough attention to him anymore. Although the double standard never applies. Would it really have killed him to write you a fucking letter now and then? Even just to say he was going away and would find you after he got back?

He strikes you again after your last comment, returning the black eye. You just continue to stare at him with malice and hatred. "Ya wouldn't say that to yer pretty li'l taicho, now would'ja?" he remarks, smirking. You let your eyebrows knit in confusion. What the hell does the little kid you work for have to do with anything? You want to ask him, but that would just be acknowledging that he managed to get to you. And that would be admitting defeat. And you refuse to lose this round. "Ya know I'm more powerful than ya, dontcha, Ran-chan? Ya best listen to meh."

Then, suddenly, like the blinking of an eye, you decide you've had enough. You spit in his 'good' eye. "Fuck you," you spit out. "Fuck you, Gin. You're just a bastard trying to manipulate and control me, just because you think it's _funny_."

He wipes the saliva from his face and his smirk turns to a glare. He raises his hand again, and you duck out under his arms. He snatches your wrist and you're forced to stop dead. You freeze in place, knowing what's sure to come. "Ya don't wanna leave me. Nobody else wants a whore like you," he sneers.

In your fury you yank your arm from his grasp, and you feel the distinct crack of some bone breaking. You try not to flinch or moan in pain, because that would only help him further his argument against your leaving.

"I am not a whore," you spit vehemently. He smirks again. He thinks he's breaking your defenses. But all he's doing is building up your walls a little higher. "I'm leaving," you state with power in your voice. He sneers again in disbelief. You pause for a moment. And then you shunpo out the door.

If he really wants to catch up to you, you know he can. But you hope he won't. Because you have no idea where you're going to go. And you're certain that if he catches you before you can take cover under the power of another captain class shinigami he _will_ kill you. That's the kind of mood he's in tonight.

Finally you arrive at your destination. Only you had no idea this is where you were headed. Surely the little kid taicho couldn't handle the Third's captain. He looks like he should barely be out of the academy, and hardly leading a division of his own. But you knock on his door nonetheless. And, with his hair standing on end and ruffled more than usual, like you roused him from his sleep, he answers the door, his face panicked and worried. He knows something has happened, probably from the dried streaks of blood from your nose and lip.

With his usual tone of voice he adopts when commanding drills in the Division training yard, he demands that you sit on his sofa as he fixes you a cup of tea and brings you a wet washcloth. He allows you a few moments of silence, for which you're grateful. You turn the washcloth over in your hands, never touching it to your face. It gives you time to decide what you'll say to him. How you'll explain that Gin hit you again, how you can explain that you certainly deserved it, because you always deserve it. You were hitting on Shunsui tonight you'll tell him, although it's a complete lie.

And he'll know it. So you decide that maybe you can just tell him you don't want to discuss it. Often he'll give you the courtesy of dropping the subject. But the glance you steal to look in his eyes tells you that he's having none of that, either.

Breaking your nervous silence, he demands, "He hit you, didn't he?" And before you realize what's happening, you're bawling, the tears mixing with the residual blood and staining his clean floor. You miss the look that crosses his face, the one that says that if he didn't have to be strong to keep you from simply collapsing in his floor, he'd cry right along with you.

He heals your hand as you cry. Because you're crying, you still almost miss the whisper that almost never crosses his lips. "What do I have to do? Why am I too young? What do you see in him, anyway?"

Even though you did hear, you won't let yourself believe it. You don't have an answer, anyway. What would you tell him? The fancy of this pubescent boy is bound to be no different than any other boy his age. That's assuming it's even you he means. There's always the chance that he'll realize that his childhood friend loves him, even if her vision is so warped and fucked up by those bastards.

And suddenly, you're fighting another emotion on top of everything else. Jealousy. And you can do nothing else but laugh. And he looks at you, fear striking his features, as though he's scared you've just gone and completely lost your mind.

Maybe you have.

But if it's you he wants, it's you he can have. Or so you think. But he has to wait, probably a long time. Suddenly your laughter dies. His concern obviously does not.

What will Gin say tomorrow? You know he'll say something, because you love him, you really do, and you know you'll go back to him. You don't know why yourself. You want out so bad you can taste it, but you keep going back.

You sleep on your captain's sofa that night. He covers you with a blanket and places a soft kiss, as nervous as he is, on your head after you drift off into a fitful, dreaming sleep. You don't get to see him close his eyes in frustration, and speak with a soft, but powerful voice, "I'll kill him if he so much as looks at you the wrong way again."

The next morning, you go home and clean yourself up, dabbing some concealer on your eyes and nose, to hide the marks. You feel Gin's reiatsu approaching your home. You feel scared, excited, thrilled, and exhausted. You're afraid he'll hurt you again, but you want what you had once upon a time. When you were both young, and he was far less manipulative than now. Back when the only thing he was coming up with crafty ideas for was to get into your panties.

When the game was fun, and ended in a night of curious exploration of one another.

So, you let him in, and he kisses you hard. He needs you, and he tries to pour that into you. And you don't know why you love him, because you hate him just as much.

He pulls away and speaks. "I'm sorry, Ran-chan. I promise I won' never drink again. I swear."

You forgive him, all the while wondering if your last physical was accurate. You feel certain that Unohana missed something. She missed the fact that you are apparently no longer capable of taking care of yourself. That you're the victim of repeated abuse. For an instant you're angry that she never said anything. And then you remember the begging and the precautions you took to ensure that she didn't have reason to say anything.

You begged Gin for a week not to even come around. You swore you wouldn't leave your room except to go to work, and you didn't for the whole two weeks before your physical. And if Unohana suspected anything, she didn't have anything to base that suspicion on. So you were free for another year, and Gin was still out of trouble.

And that's what mattered.

Because you've suddenly changed direction and allowed Gin to come back to you, to take you back, you're laughing happily when you walk into your office and he kisses you behind your ears, teasing the tender flesh. You miss the sudden disappearance of your little captain, and the subsequent retching in the toilet.

If only you knew how broken his heart could be, you might have decided to just sit and wait, after all.


	2. Rehab

**Rehab**

_And now I feel like Oh  
You're the reason why I'm thinking  
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more  
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking  
Should've never let you enter my door  
Next time you wanna go on and leave  
I should just let you go on and do it (Do it, do it, do it)  
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed_

_It's like I checked in to rehab  
And baby, you're my disease  
It's like I checked in to rehab  
And baby, you're my disease  
I've gotta check in to rehab  
'Cause baby you're my disease  
I've gotta check in to rehab  
'Cause baby you're my disease_

Lyrics from "Rehab" by Rihanna.

**oOoOo—RN—oOoOo**

After she spent the night at Toshiro's home, Gin never raised a hand to her again. She smiled ruefully as she sat on the doorstep. The one promise he ever did manage to keep. At least he did have some measure of credibility, however minuscule it was. She didn't feel nearly as guilty defending her love for him to her taicho.

And she still had no idea why she hated having the usual discussion of why she remained with Gin with the way he treated her. No idea why it hurt her so much to tell her taicho that she loved Gin. That he kept his promise, and things were better than ever.

Except that he'd left her again.

She wiped her teary eyes and stared at the sunset. It seemed that some things never changed. Since they were young, Gin had taken to leaving randomly, disappearing sometimes for weeks on end. In the beginning, and until they'd both found seats in the Gotei 13, he told her he was leaving, and how long he thought he'd be gone. Now, though, he just up and left. Without so much as a wave goodbye.

This time she'd decided that if he walked out that door, he would never reenter it again with her invitation. She told him as much. He smiled sadly and walked off. "I love you, Ran-chan," he said softly as he disappeared into the twilight.

Apparently she dozed off somewhere within her crying, since she didn't remember moving from her doorstep to her bed. She guessed that one of her friends must have stopped by and found her in her state of distress. At least she hoped as much, since she certainly did not want to explain how she managed to set fire to her home because she decided to 'sleep cook.'

The smell of freshly cooked dinner brought her to the kitchen, where she found none other than her adorable taicho standing at the stove. He even wore an apron, trying to keep his taicho haori clean, she guessed. She giggled as she took a seat. When he turned to face her he wore his customary disapproving look.

"You know, it's hardly beneficial to sleep outside on the stoop like that. It was starting to rain when I stopped by. Your hair would have fallen flat."

She detected a hint of anger behind his jest. But she brushed it off, ignoring the hidden jibe. "Ah, Taicho! You remembered how much I hate when my hair falls flat!" she wanted dearly to get up and squeeze him into a hug like she always did, but something in his look held her back.

She tried to smile and act her normal, buoyant self for the remainder of the night, and she mostly succeeded. When Toshiro saw himself out, after making sure she was properly set for the night and next day, she sat on her sofa and cried.

She cried for Gin. She cried for Toshiro. She cried for herself. And the only thing she understood was why she cried for Gin. He left her again. And she let him. She had to give up on this wishful thinking. She didn't need him anymore. He was the past.

She would look to the future now. That would serve as her rehab. She would move past Gin, and on to someone who loved her. Someone who would never leave her.

So, when Gin knocked on her door three weeks later, she didn't know to expect him. He swept in the door past her. And she opened her arms to his hug. He kissed her, and she forgot her silent oath to herself for a moment.

Remembering her promise to herself, she pushed away from his touch. "No, Gin. You need to leave. I told you that if you walked out of my door three weeks ago, it was over. It's over, Gin. You made your decision. You hurt me for the last time." She pointed a finger at the door.

In his anger he slapped her hard across her face and stalked out. He broke the one promise he had held for so long.

She no longer knew what to do. Where could she turn? Who would be there when she did, anyway? And, as if he sensed something wrong – although she assumed later that it must have been more than mere seconds after Gin left her home – Toshiro was there, glaring and biting his bottom lip in anger so fiercely that she thought he would make it bleed, at the least.

"Taicho! What are you doing here?" she asked, alarmed and exhilarated that he had shown.

"He hit you again, didn't he? I swear I'm going to kill him," Toshiro ground out before disappearing after a fading reiatsu trail.

Now not only did she have to worry about Gin getting into trouble, but she had to worry about the murderous intent her taicho held as he disappeared. And _why_?


	3. I Will Survive

_So now you're back, from outer space  
I just walked in to find you here with  
that sad look upon your face.  
I should've changed that stupid lock,  
I should've made you leave your key!  
If I had known for just one second you'd  
be back to bother me,_

_Go on now go, walk out the door  
Just turn around now, cause  
you're not welcome anymore  
Weren't you the one who tried  
to hurt me with goodbye  
Did I crumble, did I lay down and die _

_Oh no not I, I will survive_

_Oh, as long as I know how  
to love, I know I'll stay alive  
And I've got all my life to live  
And I've got all my love to give  
I'll survive, I will survive  
Hey, Hey! _

Lyrics from "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor.

**oOoOo—RN—oOoOo**

Somehow you managed to convince your cutie taicho not to kill the Third Division leader. It took everything you had to throw at him, including your own transfer and possible suicide if he went through with such a foolish plan. But you did it. And both men survived.

Although the tension at meetings you were allowed to attend was so thick you could barely breathe. Even Yamamoto seemed to notice something. Not that he _never_ noticed anything, but he never seemed to make any obvious indication that he did.

And you still didn't understand it.

How could this _boy's_ feelings for you be so strong, so set? And how did they manage to last the decade? Why didn't his little friend – and again you notice the twinge of jealousy at the thought – come in and sweep him off his feet like she was supposed to? That was his fairytale ending, right? Like a happy ending for Romeo and Juliet. They would have been about the ages of your taicho and his _friend_.

Again you find yourself cursing, directing it toward your own self, of course. But you still fail to understand the feelings you suddenly feel when she walks into the office. How you feel almost smug and haughty, but jealous all the same as he smiles that gorgeous smile at her.

One evening on your walk home, as you contemplate this, you notice a presence you haven't felt for some time now. And you dread it. Because it feels like a long-avoided confrontation that you would prefer to continue avoiding. For the rest of your life, if possible. But, you realize that there is no other way around it. You've been expecting this, and you know that the only way forward is to say goodbye to what is backward.

So you hold your head high and walk inside.

You casually remove your shoes, ignoring the unwanted presence seated on your sofa. When you finally deem _it_ worthy of your time, you look up to find him looking at you, disbelief radiating from him.

"What do you want, Gin?" you ask coldly. In order to keep your taicho from killing Gin and getting himself executed for it in the end, you have to get Gin out of your home as quickly and smoothly as possible. "You left, and I never invited you back. Or don't you remember that now?"

He simply grins his typical grin and stands up, probably intent on hugging you or kissing you. You hold up a hand as a barrier between you. He stops, looking like a scorned teenager trying and failing to get a piece of ass from his girlfriend on Prom night.

Then he turns haughty and holier-than-thou. "I fig'red you'd be cryin', missin' meh," he sneers.

"I suppose you thought wrong, eh, Gin? It looks to me like I'm still all in one piece, and no tears anywhere. I wouldn't deem you worthy of my tears, anyway, you asshole. Now get out, before I call in the Stealth Force." You try to bluff your way through this. You know that Soifon doesn't like Gin, but you're not certain yet that she likes you well enough to have him killed on your behalf. You'd be lucky to have him slapped on the wrists, much less arrested.

Like most other women, she sees your state of dress and assumes that you must put out for anything on two legs with a penis. How wrong and shocked she and everyone else would be to learn that you've been with only two men. One of them Gin, of course, and the other a random, good looking guy you met once at a bar in the Real World. You never knew his name, but he treated you more like a woman than any of those other jerks. And you were only with him one night.

Gin's grin widens into a full smirk. "Ya wouldn't do that, Ran-chan. Ya like meh too much. 'Sides, Bitch-Bee Taicho ain't gonna help no whore like you. Ya know that."

You take a deep breath. His words are just that, words. Although they're hateful and mean, they still are no more than words. You count to ten and demand again, "Leave, Gin. Now." And this time you don't even bother to point to the door.

He fixes you with a stare filled with hate and contempt, and when you fail to relent he tries the opposite. He smiles a genuine smile, broad and once beautiful. You keep your eyes fixed, still daring him to make one false move.

Finally, he speaks again. "Look, Ran-chan… I'm sorreh, ya know. I didn't mean that. I love ya. I always will."

And you break again. This time it's different. This time you're just plain pissed smooth off. You summon all your strength, calling on the force of your zanpakuto spirit for emotional support, and you swing your fist and hit him. You're fairly certain you've broken his jaw.

Now you point to the door and repeat, "Leave, Gin. Now." And he finally does. He doesn't even look back, and you're glad. That means you don't have to see the look of defeat and heartbreak, or the look of hatred and disgust he wears as he heads back to play bitch-boy for Aizen again.

You don't realize the force of your swing until your hand begins to swell. There is a very good probability that you've broken it, or at the least sprained it. So, you return to the person who healed it before, hoping he'll do so again.

He looks both disappointed and alarmed when you reappear in the office. "Matsumoto?" he asks, concerned, "What are you doing here?"

And you feel yourself stutter slightly, embarrassed and nervous all the same. "I… I was wondering if you would- would heal my hand again…" You give him a sheepish smile as he cocks an eyebrow.

"As long as you tell me why you need it healed." The demand is really quite simple. It's no harder to speak than to tell him that you let Yachiru run loose in the courtyard and steal the candy meant for him off his desk. But you hesitate, because it means accepting the truth. His gaze is pressing, and you cave in.

You draw a deep breath and call on Haineko again for support. She willing gives it. For some reason, she stirs in you the way the rest of your emotions do when you're near your taicho. Another thing you decide to think on later. You pull your focus back to the conversation at present and release the breath. "I hit him."

The faintest smile crosses his lips, and you can't help your own smile. "I'm sorry," you hear yourself say, and he shakes his head with mirth.

"I need to let Hinamori know I won't be coming tonight. I'll just be a minute. Put some ice on your hand until I get that done." And he smiles that smile that he reserves for her. Except it's different. It's even more gorgeous and bright. And it's all for you.

Suddenly, your heart beat picks up, you feel the throbbing in your neck and wrists, in your already aching hand. And you still don't understand it. But the smile he gives you when you return from the kitchen tells you that you don't have to understand. But, he'll wait for you as long as you'll wait for him.


	4. Her Name is Alice

**Her Name Is Alice**

_(If I had a world of my own everything would be nonsense  
Nothing will be what it is because everything would be what it isn't)  
I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time  
And every creature lends them self to change your state of mind  
And the girl that chased the rabbit, drank the wine, and took the pill  
Has locked herself in limbo to see how it truly feels  
_…  
_To stand outside your virtue  
No one can ever hurt you  
Or so they say...  
_…  
_Sometimes the curiosity can kill the soul but leave the pain  
And every ounce of innocence is left inside her brain  
And through the looking glass we see she's painfully returned  
But now "off with her head" I fear is everyone's concern  
_…  
_You see there's no real ending  
It's only the beginning  
Come out and play...  
_…  
_This kingdom, good riddance  
Her freedom and innocence  
Has brought this whole thing down  
_…  
_She's unlocked the meaning for you  
(And contrary wise, what it is, it wouldn't be.  
And what it wouldn't be, it would, you see?)_

_Lyrics from "Her Name Is Alice" by Shinedown._

_**oOoOo-oOoOo**_

_**A/N: **I admit, I kind of forgot about this chapter. However, I have this chapter and another one to be posted. Look for them both. And do please, please review them both. Let me know what you think. I still look forward to and try my hardest to reply to all my reviewers. Do enjoy!_  
_-Rachel Noelle_**  
**

**oOoOo—RN—oOoOo**

Something changed between the two of you after you healed her hand. You weren't really sure what it was, or why, but you noticed it. And it simply became a little more illogical after your childhood best friend invited you on a dinner date, intent on more than just a simple dinner.

But, with Rangiku's encouragement, you began some sort of slightly-more-than-friendly relationship with _her_. You remained uncomfortable all the while, but you never could grasp why. Not until you walk into your office early one morning to find your fukutaicho sitting in the window with such a forlorn and distant look on her face it makes you want to throw up from the pain. And then you catch it, and it finally starts to make sense.

Not fully, not completely, but you can determine one thing, and say it with confidence. Your second is depressed. You don't understand why, no more than you understand how you can feel so completely in love with her but so far removed from her because of your age. And your height, you add accusingly to yourself.

But she sits in the window, appearing to dream. You don't know what she sees, for sure, but you sense it. You imagine it is because of your zanpakuto. You zanpakuto has some kind of link with hers, another thing you don't yet understand. Even though Hyourinmaru has explained it to you multiple times.

But you see it. You see the pain inside her, the dreams she's seeing. You see the curiosity. The sense of amazement when she is near you. When you smile, you can see how it looks. Her world is full of colors, all meshing together in some sort of misshaped pattern. She wonders if you feel about her how she feels about you. But she wonders what exactly she feels for you, too. Is it something romantic that she senses?

She is in limbo, trying to keep her emotions away from her head, to keep her heart separated from her entirely. You can feel the hurt she feels, the fear that you'll hurt her again.

And suddenly you understand why she encouraged you to see your childhood friend. She wanted to avoid the pain of heartbreak.

Although you would swear again and again, on the moon, on the stars, on yourself, recite the entirety of Shakespeare's plays if she wanted to prove that you would never, ever leave her. But there is a niggling in the back of your mind saying that you might decide otherwise someday, for you are, admittedly, young yet.

You cast the devil that is the niggling sensation from your mind. You tell Hyourinmaru to freeze it and smash it into millions of pieces, and never let it return. He nods and smiles in encouragement. "She needs you right now, more than you could ever know," he tells you. And your heart breaks for her.

You wonder if she knows how broken your heart is. And you wonder why her refusal when you were, quite literally, just a brat fresh from the academy hurt you so much, so deeply.

Refocusing your mind, you turn your attention back to her. She is dreaming of something. Something strange. A timeless world, where nothing is quite right. Where nothing is quite wrong, but it certainly is different than your world. But in her world, nothing can touch her. No one can make her hurt. No one can make her cry. He will never reach her there. Never again.

But if you don't hurry, you'll miss your chance to reach her. You reach out your hand and place it on her shoulder, expecting her to jump or show some kind of surprise. Instead she closes her eyes, a few tears leaking down her face, and you feel her relax.

Her world spins again, and you see a dark, menacing figure, that looks surprisingly like her, clutching tightly to a form that is clearly chaste and naïve. You notice the second figure seems to look very similar to you. All you can see is the color, there are no fine lines or decorations, but you sense what she feels.

"It's always been because you're innocent. I am not supposed to be the one to take that from you." She finally speaks and you nearly jump into the air. You feel yourself blush as you understand what she means.

"I'm willing to give that up. I'm hardly as innocent as you think, anyhow," you explain, recalling your fight with your best friend, Kusaka, in your first days as a student. How you finally drove your zanpakuto into his chest in order to defend yourself.

She smiles and it almost reaches her eyes. "Yes, that's true. Though I just meant sexually. Unless your _dear little friend_ saw to it to rob you of that?" She talks of Hinamori with vehemence.

And you smile. You smile at her with the smile you know she loves to see. "Hardly. I could never compare to that bastard, Aizen."

Finally she comes out of her reverie, her depression lifted. She kisses you on your forehead and you blush. "Then I might stand a chance at that, after all," she grins cattily. You can't hide your blush, or your grin. But you have no idea how to respond, so you don't.

After she seems satisfied with your current state of embarrassment, you spend the remainder of the day in pleasant company, chatting about anything but work, Hinamori, and Gin.

And your last thought that night before you fall into a happy sleep is that Ichimaru is one fucked-up bastard, and if you ever see her inner world in turmoil like that again, you'll kill him.


	5. Blow Me One Last Kiss

_White knuckles  
And sweaty palms from  
Hangin' on too tight  
Clenched shut jaw  
I've got another  
Headache again tonight_

_Eyes on fire, eyes on fire_  
_And they burn from all the tears_  
_I've been cryin', I've been cryin'_  
_I've been dyin' over you_

_Tie a knot in the rope_  
_Tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold_  
_But there's nothing to grab_  
_So I let go_

_I think I've finally had enough_  
_I think I maybe think too much_  
_I think this might be it for us_  
_Blow me one last kiss_

_You think I'm just too serious_  
_I think you're full of shit_  
_My head is spinning so_  
_Blow me one last kiss_

_Just when it can't get worse_  
_I've had a shit day (yeah!)_  
_You had a shit day (yeah!)_  
_We've had a shit day (yeah!)_

_I think that life's too short for this_  
_I want back my ignorance and bliss_  
_I think I've had enough of this_  
_Blow me one last kiss_

_I won't miss_  
_All of the fighting_  
_That we always did_  
_Take it in_  
_I mean what I say_  
_When I say there is nothing left_

_No more sick whiskey dick_  
_No more battles for me_  
_You'll be callin' a trick_  
_'Cause you'll no longer sleep_

_I'll dress nice, I'll look good_  
_I'll go dancing alone_  
_I will laugh, I'll get drunk_  
_I'll take somebody home_

_I think I've finally had enough_  
_I think I maybe think too much_  
_I think this might be it for us_  
_Blow me one last kiss_

_You think I'm just too serious_  
_I think you're full of shit_  
_My head is spinning so_  
_Blow me one last kiss_

_Just when it can't get worse_  
_I've had a shit day (yeah!)_  
_You had a shit day (yeah!)_  
_We've had a shit day (yeah!)_  
_…_

_I will do what I please  
Anything that I want  
I will breathe, I won't breathe  
I won't worry at all_

_You will pay for your sins_  
_You'll be sorry my dear_  
_All the lies, all the why's_  
_Will all be crystal clear_

_I think I've finally had enough_  
_I think I maybe think too much_  
_I think this might be it for us_  
_Blow me one last kiss_

_You think I'm just too serious_  
_I think you're full of shit_  
_My head is spinning so_  
_Blow me one last kiss_

_Just when it can't get worse_  
_I've had a shit day (yeah!)_  
_Have you had a shit day? (yeah!)_  
_We've had a shit day (yeah!)_

_I think that life's too short for this_  
_I want back my ignorance and bliss_  
_I think I've had enough of this_  
_Blow me one last kiss_

_Lyrics from "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" by Pink_

_oOoOo—oOoOo_

_A/N: It took so long to update because I had to wait for the song to be written. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Even if it isn't true at all. :) Okay, it's not entirely not-true. I really have been looking for the perfect song. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, trying to express Rangiku's liberation. I hope you have as much fun reading this as I had writing it. _

_Thank you all for sticking with me!  
-Rachel Noelle_

oOoOo—RN—oOoOo

It's been a few months since things ended with Gin. But one day you wake up early.

And, suddenly, it all makes sense. You realize what's been happening to you. Why you've felt the way you do. The way you did. You finally let yourself see how _he_ felt. And you realize all the time you've wasted with him is not for naught, but you certainly think that if you could go back and tell your younger self to stay away from him, you would.

You've learned a lot about yourself. Your taicho gave you the space you both knew you needed. And you spent time just being Rangiku. You see that you are, indeed, perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. You threw away all the negative feelings. You even convinced Nanao to go out with you. The two of you put on your best dresses and strappy heels, then made way for the fanciest restaurant in town. You indulged on sweets and drinks and pricey food. Then, much to your surprise, Nanao decided to go to the nearest lounge, where you partied and danced like you were eighteen.

You both flirted to your hearts' content and enjoyed yourselves beyond measure. You gave your number to several men, even though your promises for dates and answered phone calls were empty. You stayed out most of the night, and slept off your hangover in your home.

And for once, when you showed up late for work Monday morning, happiness radiating from you, your little taicho wasn't upset. Rather, he looked nearly as happy as you.

The office phone rings and you answer. As soon as the voice on the other end of the line says hello you hang up the phone. Your taicho glowers at you for a moment. The look in your eyes must give away your displeasure at the voice on the other end of the line, for he just gives you a firm nod and returns to his work.

Just a few days ago you thought you'd had enough of Gin's bullshit. Now, you know you have. And the sense of freedom is almost overwhelming. Before you leave work for the evening, your taicho stops you. He wants to know if you're alright. Really alright.

And for once in your years together you tell him you are. And you mean it.

Hell, you're better than alright. You're freaking amazing.

_Just don't overdo it._ Right. That's important, too.

Gin will pay for his sins. You don't know when, or how, you just know you want to be the one to make him pay. Your resolve is set.

And then the next Friday, you get a call at the office. It's from one of the men you gave your number to. One who was either dumb or brave enough to call you at work. You try to politely decline, and he says he understands, but you feel things taking a turn for the worse. The mood is set for the rest of your day, maybe even the rest of your weekend.

It turns out to be a generally bad day. Renji had some random errand (that didn't really require him stopping by your office) and managed to tell you that he and Shuuhei were going out that evening, and he'd really like you to come along. You accepted, hoping the day wouldn't suck worse, but it does. You spill hot tea all down your front, you break two brushes, you stub your little toe on the coffee table, and you even got yelled at by Kuchiki taicho for keeping Renji busy. (Your taicho defends you on the last account, but the damage is still done.)

When you meet up with Shuuhei outside the bar Renji told you to meet at, you realize Renji isn't there. Wanting to cry but smiling no less, you bear through a night of Shuuhei fawning over you and you politely declining. Instead of hitting the fool and telling him to leave you be. You bow out early in the evening, claiming you have a migraine and the noisy bar isn't helping. You swear vengeance on Renji.

Screw Renji. Screw Shuuhei. Screw Gin most of all. You're tired of them all.

Things return to not-terrible for the next few days. You regain your resolve and repeat your girls night out with Nanao the next week. This time you invite Isane and Rukia. You try to get Rukia drunk as a small vengeance on Byakuya. You'll feel guilty about it later, but at the moment you're enjoying watching her sing karaoke and dance with the rest of you. And who was that cutie that just scored her number? You laugh happily when she, only just beyond tipsy, tells you she has a date the next day with him.

_Take that, Renji. Set me up with Shuuhei again. _

You return to your home that night, late again, happily sloshed, only to open the door and see your cute little taicho sitting on your sofa. He apologizes when you let out a small scream of surprise. He just wants to check on you, make sure you're okay. He compliments you on how beautiful you look in your outfit. Sexy even, he says with a deep blush on his cheeks.

_I'll dress nice, I'll look good…I'll go dancing alone…I will laugh, I'll get drunk…I'll take somebody home. _

_Or he'll just show up at my house. That works, too. _

You remind yourself that now is not exactly the appropriate time for such thoughts. For the first time, you look at him and see him. You see his body, lithe and muscular under his off-duty kimono. And those eyes. Such a beautiful shade of green. And that hair.

Your libido rages as you fight back a desire to see if the hair is naturally white. You try not to rush too much, but you desperately need him to leave before you do something you might both regret, like kiss him. He must have seen the hunger in your eyes, because you notice it flaring up in his. He begins to make his way to the door, but you cave in and stop him, grabbing his wrist.

Your grasp is light and he could easily shake you off, but he doesn't. Instead, he turns back to look at you. His usually bright eyes dark with desire. And in a moment, you don't know who moved first, but you find your lips crashing against his, the need and desire burning your skin. You don't know how he learned to kiss, as far as you knew he'd never had the pleasure of doing so before, but you quickly squash the train of thought. Your hands are everywhere. It's like the first time you kissed Gin. You smile into the kiss.

The sudden change in atmosphere breaks you apart from him. Your taicho looks worried, scared even. You know he's afraid he's overstepped his bounds, given in to something he shouldn't have. You assure him that he did nothing you didn't want him to do. Your libido has calmed down, and it's easier to breathe. He says good night, still with the worry in his eyes. You return the words and add a much softer, less desperate kiss. He seems reassured and smiles back at you before he leaves.

_Screw you, Gin. _

_Blow me one last kiss. _


	6. Somebody That I Used to Know

_Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over  
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done  
And I don't wanna live that way  
Reading into every word you say  
You said that you could let it go  
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know_

But you didn't have to cut me off  
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing  
And I don't even need your love  
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough  
No you didn't have to stoop so low  
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number  
I guess that I don't need that though  
Now you're just somebody that I used to know  
…

Lyrics from "Somebody That I Used to Know," by Gotye

**oOoOo**

_**A/N:**__ Although I feel like Rangiku is over Gin, as far as wanting to date/sleep with him and all, I think she would still be affected by him ignoring her. It hurts bad enough when your crush acts like you don't exist (or doesn't realize you do), and when an ex that you at one time did have strong feelings for just sort of washes his/her hands of the relationship, it really fucking hurts. (And if you're reading this, no, I don't mean you.) _

_I have two more chapters planned to flesh out the differences in how Rangiku and Toshiro see their relationship and the insecurities before I start with a little more of the actual development. I think it'll be awesome. :) _

_Thank you all for reading, and thank you for your support. And for forgiving me for having a broken internal clock (or something). _

_Much love!  
-Rachel Noelle_

**oOoOo—RN—oOoOo**

Gin. That bastard. You have an opportunity for a perfect, wonderful relationship with your taicho, and Gin is still ruining it.

You meet him in the alleyways and in the roads, always accompanied by your taicho, and he goads Toshiro until the poor boy – no, you amend, young man – is red in the face with embarrassment and frustration. You are proud of your taicho, as he shows remarkable strength and ability to hold back from beating Gin into a bloody heap. But Gin lavishes you with simple disregard, and snubs you at every opportunity.

You know it's better that he ignores you, or else he might try to kill you, but the pain cuts so deep into you, you want to scream.

Your friends poke fun at you for following Toshiro everywhere, and you blush like you're expected to do, and deny it. If they really knew that it was he following you, hoping to protect you from Gin, they might shut up. But you don't want to air your dirty laundry. And since most of them are men, you fear you'll simply be treated like a second-class citizen. So you tolerate the teasing.

And, technically, you ended the relationship with Gin. But it still hurts for him to not even so much as glance at you with pain, or lust, or just recognition. It's been almost a year now. You would have thought him capable of acknowledging your existence. Instead he ignores you and pretends you don't exist. No one has ever said they've overheard him talking about you, or cursing you, or anything.

It's like… you're just someone he used to know.

Hell, you're really someone he never even knew.

'_Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over, but had me believing it was always something that I'd done…' _and then you're pissed off again. It's Gin's fault that you're afraid of a relationship with your taicho. It's Gin's fault you're scared your taicho will change his mind later and leave you, just like Gin did. It's Gin's fault you can't even put the past behind you, though you try so hard.

And in the middle of the walkway leading to your home, you break down. Somehow you manage to sit upright, rather than simply falling into a slump, crying big tears. Not enough to disturb anyone but yourself. Maybe passersby will think you've chosen to meditate in the middle of the garden, what with the warm sunshine high in the sky.

You sense the presence of your taicho drawing nearer, and you sniffle your last sniffles and dry your eyes. He's seen you cry enough. You don't want him feeling guilty, or worse, getting murderously angry again. But still you sit, absently playing with the plush green grass. He comes and sits with you, your backs together, and offers only a few soft words, "Do you want to talk about it?"

You have a burst of crying and tears before resolving to be sullen and tell him that you don't, thank you. He nods politely and continues sitting with you in silence. He knows you'll tell him when you're ready.

You begin to feel a soft stream of silent tears on your cheeks again as the sun sinks in the sky. Here you are, your adorable, perfect, young taicho sitting with you, offering you comfort, and yet you still reject him. It was awkward for a few days after the kiss, but you moved on, and you quickly fell into a different routine with the old spirit of your relationship. He never let you far from his sight, and supported you all along.

And you still can't let go of Gin and let your taicho in, even when Gin pretends you don't even exist at all.

God damn you, Gin.


	7. Breakdown

_It's alright if you love me  
It's alright if you don't  
I'm not afraid of you runnin' away, honey,  
I get the feeling you won't_

_Say there is no sense in pretending_  
_Your eyes give you away_  
_Something inside you is feelin' like I do_  
_We said all there is to say_  
_Ba-by_

_(Chorus x2)_

_Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me  
Breakdown, honey take me through the night  
Breakdown, I'm standin here can't you see,  
Breakdown, it's alright,  
It's alright, it's alright_

Lyrics from "Breakdown" by Tom Petty.

**oOoOo—RN—oOoOo**

You sit and watch as she dances. Simply put, she is glamorous. She may not be dancing just for you, but you'll let yourself feel like she is. The fall festival in this little town in who-knows-where is pleasant. The town invited people of all cultures to participate in a talent show. She begged you to put in an extension for your mission for long enough for her to get to dance. She insisted she show you. So maybe she is dancing for you. She certainly meets your eyes enough.

She is positively radiant.

You watch, mesmerized, as she spins and steps with a grace you never knew existed. You can't recall – you weren't particularly concerned with that detail – but you think there might have been a reward offered to the winner of the talent competition. If so, you don't know who else might win it. She took the crowd by storm.

She comes to sit beside you after her dance and you watch the remaining performances together. You sit closely but do not touch. There has been an unwritten rule between you that you do not touch unless it is for healing wounds or getting help, which has occurred more than once.

She walks away with a small money prize for taking second place. You are peeved by the fact that some moronic act won first, but congratulate her no less. Since you'll be heading back to Seireitei tomorrow, she asks if she can treat you to dinner and drinks. You accept, as your stomach would have betrayed you should you have declined. She rushes back to where you've been lodging to change out of the traditional garments. Her return leaves you picking your jaw up off the floor.

You cozy in to a booth at a restaurant, serving some kind of foreign fare, and try your damnedest to avoid looking at her _that_ way. Everything she does, from sipping her drink to the way she flips her hair, serves to turn you on more and more. Your sex drive is raging, and you can't control it much longer. With a couple of shots of alcohol, you whisper an "I love you". She doesn't reply verbally, you just enjoy a light blush on her cheeks. Your compliment of her looks deepens the blush.

Perhaps you've had one too many drinks, or maybe the sexual tension in the air was just too suffocating, but when you retreat to your rooms, you invite her into yours. The two of you have been avoiding sharing a room on missions like this for this reason.

She sits on your bed casually. You retrieve a bottle of sake and two cups from the kitchenette. When you turn to face her again, bottle of sake in hand, you notice her top is unbuttoned one too many buttons. And you can see the desire in her eyes to mirror your own. Luckily the bottle is stoppered and when you very nearly throw it onto the bed it doesn't spill everywhere. The cups clank loudly and somehow you both manage to ignore them.

It was that lustful gaze she sent you that put you over the top. You quickly close the distance – a mere few inches at this point – and your lips meet hers. In an instant there are fingers everywhere, hands searching for something missing. You don't know when, but you managed to unbutton all of the buttons on her top and she has removed it. She returns the favor and helps you out of yours.

You straddle her on the bed, your kisses deep and passionate. You want badly to get relief for your member bulging in your pants so much it hurts. A change of position has you between her legs and you are very aware she can feel your want. You grind your hips forward into her and are entreated to a pleasured moan.

"Toshiro," she whispers, soft but forceful.

Somehow it breaks you from your intense trance. You quickly remove yourself from atop her and stand. You blush deeply and apologize. "You never call me Toshiro," you tell her, trying to move past the awkwardness. She smiles.

"I'm sorry, Taicho," she says. "I just… think now is not the right time." She bites her lip as she peers at you, her face full of apology and sadness.

You nod as if to say, "Don't worry about it." She gives you another smile and a quick kiss before she retreats to her adjoined room.

_When will her walls breakdown? When can we both give in to something that has been brewing for years? When can we quit pretending?_ you wonder.

"Oh, well," you tell yourself as you lie down for the night, your hand having to pick up where the two of you left off, lest you burst.

"_It's alright if you love me. It's alright if you don't. I'm not afraid of you runnin' away, honey, I get the feeling you won't." _

You've waited this long. What's a little longer?

**oOoOo—RN—oOoOo**

_**A/N:**__ Thanks for reading! I hope you feel like this fits the song. I think it does, but I definitely am not ruling out the "holy crap that doesn't make sense" theory. I do have through chapter 10 planned out already, at least so long as everything fits the story. I'm trying to keep everything compatible, but where's the fun in finally getting it on if there's no sexual tension between now and then?_

_As always, thank you all so much for reading, and for the reviews and support from everyone! I love hearing from you, and presently I have a lot of free time on my hands with which to do nothing, and it is slowly but surely being filled with writing. Bear with me, please! _

_Thank you, and much love to everyone!  
-Rachel Noelle_


End file.
